


Trust

by Miri Cleo (miri_cleo)



Category: Law and Order SVU - Fandom
Genre: Abusive Relationship, BDSM, Catharsis, F/F, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-11
Updated: 2010-05-11
Packaged: 2017-10-09 10:00:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/85973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miri_cleo/pseuds/Miri%20Cleo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liz finally tells Casey about her past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trust

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Inifinitely Gentle, Inifinitely Suffering](https://archiveofourown.org/works/85965) by [Miri Cleo (miri_cleo)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/miri_cleo/pseuds/Miri%20Cleo). 



> Warning: There is discussion of an incredibly unhealthy D/s relationship within the text.  
> Disclaimer: SVU belongs to Dick Wolf and NBC.

Without looking up from the document she was reading, Casey only had a vague notion of the fading twilight as she fumbled to turn on the lamp. She shuffled the papers around before returning to the same one she'd been staring perplexedly at for the past ten minutes.

"Liz," she called, "could you come here?"

Casey turned when she heard Liz's heals stop clicking; the blonde, still in her suit from the day, was standing in the doorway drying her hands on a black dish towel.

"I was just about to put the steaks on. What do you need?"

Casey held the paper out to Liz. "I was trying to integrate my financial files with yours, and I found this. These numbers just don't add up."

"No," Liz said after she'd glanced at the paper, "these numbers are fine. It's perfectly legitimate." She handed the document back to Casey before walking out.

"Liz…" Casey called as she stood. With a sigh she followed Liz back into the kitchen. "You have an account here with over half a million dollars in it, and I can't figure out where it's coming from." She watched in frustration as Liz nonchalantly slid the steaks into a large pan. They began to sizzle as Liz shrugged.

"I told you that the numbers are fine. Don't worry about it."

"I can't just…not worry about it. I'm going to worry about it; you know that. Why won't you just tell me where this is coming from?"

Liz turned. "Casey, I've told you that this is perfectly legitimate. I have business interests that I would prefer to keep out of the public arena; let's just leave it at that and drop it."

"I thought we decided to be committed…to do this together. Why can't you trust me enough to tell me about this? Do you own stock in a weapons company or something?"

"You should trust me enough to stop asking about it. Two can play at that game." She turned back to the stove and flipped the steaks over.

Casey put her hands on her hips. She was silent for a moment, pondering whether she should give up, but she simply could not let it go.

"Whose pocket are you in anyway?" She asked, the anger surmounting the flippancy in her voice.

Liz did not turn, but Casey saw her muscles stiffen under her blouse. She silently turned off the cooktop before putting the half-prepared meal away.

"Liz…" Casey called as the blonde brushed passed her. She, of course, followed Liz into the entryway.

"Come on," Liz said, tossing Casey's coat to her and pulling her own on.

*****

Casey watched silently as the cab pulled away from the brownstone. She shifted, wondering if she could really feel the cold leather of the seat through her clothing or if it was just the iciness Liz was emanating.

Without turning to her, Liz said, "When we arrive follow me, and you absolutely must not say anything until we reach my chambers."

"Your what? Where are you taking me?"

"I'm satisfying your curiosity, Casey."

*****

"What the fuck was that?"

Casey crossed her arms and remained as close as possible to the door Liz had just closed. She almost felt too stunned by the things she had seen upon their entrance to look around what she suspected to be Liz's chambers. Liz made her way to an antique-looking sofa and sat, patting the cushion next to her. Casey shook her head more vehemently than she had intended.

"This is the business interest I told you to stop pestering me about."

"So, you're…you're a professional dominatrix in your spare time?" Casey asked. Her voice was close to the point of hysteria, but she remained motionless.

"Don't be ridiculous, Casey; I told you this is perfectly legal."

"Then what is going on here?"

Liz stood. "I need a drink." Casey watched her disappear into another room only to remerge moments later with two glasses in hand. She could guess what they were full of…gin. Liz shoved one into her hand before going back to the sofa. "Do I need to spell this out for you? It's a club, Casey, a club where people pay a nice sum to maintain their memberships, and I am one of the primary investors. I could pull all of the documentation for you, that is, if you can't trust me that it's legal."

"How…" Casey stopped to take a long sip of her drink, "how did you get involved in this?"

"That's a long story, and it would be better for me not to tell it now."

"I need to know."

Liz shook her head, and, for a moment, Casey thought she saw sadness in her partner's eyes. "Casey, now is not…"

"I need to know!" She stepped forward, but maintained her distance. "Did you…Alex…. You brought Alex here, didn't you?"

"Yes," Liz nodded a little absently before draining what was left of her drink. "I introduced Alex to this."

"Liz, how…how…what did…and…you…but…"

Liz stood. "Casey…"

"Shut up!" Casey held out her hand and began to pace. She curled her flattened palm into a loose fist with her index finger pointing at Liz. "Just…I need to think." She stopped and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ, Elizabeth, you prosecuted sex crimes for twenty-five years, and you own part of a sex club! Tell me what about that makes sense to you, because I'm having trouble putting these incredibly fucked up pieces together!"

"It's all legal and consensual, Casey. No one is getting hurt."

Casey shook her head. "Maybe Alex bought that because she wanted to, but I don't. I don't understand how you can."

"The situation isn't the same. I knew that you couldn't understand that. That's why I didn't tell you." Liz's face was impassive.

"Were you ever going to tell me? How long did you think you could keep this a secret?"

"I'm telling you now."

Casey laughed almost bitterly. "Because you had to…because I made you." She paused before realization dawned on her. "Is this where you come every morning?"

"No, I go running. Really, Casey, what do you think I do?"

"How long did it take you to start fucking her again? Do either of you even care that she's engaged?" Casey's voice was silent, but her anger was apparent underneath it. She was too keenly aware that her cheeks were flushing with the effort to keep from yelling.

"We have breakfast, that's all. I haven't touched Alex in years. When I made a commitment to you it was to you and not to anyone else."

"I can't deal with this." Casey turned towards the door.

"Wait." Liz stretched out a hand. "You can't go out there by yourself."

Casey gave her an incredulous look. "I thought it was safe, Liz. I thought it was consensual."

"Your presence implies your consent, and you don't know the safe word. This world isn't for you." Even in her anger, Casey could not help but notice the change that shadowed Liz's face. She suddenly seemed older and caught somewhere between whimsy and remorse. Her voice was quiet when she said, "You weren't supposed to see this."

"Obviously." The doorknob felt cool and heavy in Casey's hand; it seemed to her that it was so slow to turn—though she was almost certain it was her imagination.

"Casey, please…"

"Please what? What do you want Liz?" She did not turn around, but her hand stopped twisting the ornate knob. The tension, she thought, crept through her wrist and into her veins.

"I just want you to stop and think. What happens when you leave this room? You walk out, and then what? You committed to me as much as I to you."

She turned, hearing the sound of the knob fall heaving back into place. "What does that mean now? What kind of commitment can we have if you can't trust me?"

Casey watched Liz sit heavily on the sofa; there was none of the angry nonchalance that was there when they had entered the room. Again, her face seemed shadowed, and this time, she looked down.

"I was 19 and she was much too old for me."

"What are you talking about?"

Liz's head shot up, but her eyes were dull. "Do you want to hear this?"

Casey was silent almost to the point of sulking, but she moved away from the door. Instead of sitting she hovered near the fireplace that was directly across from the sofa. Liz stared at her with a deliberation that made Casey turn away. She ran her fingers softly over the ornate mantle as Liz began again.

"I was 19, and she was much too old for me. She was a professional dominatrix. We were together for too long, and she beat the shit out of me."

Casey simultaneously choked on the gin she was sipping and dropped the glass. She took in several deep breaths after swallowing hard, but she simply could not make herself process what Liz had just said. Out of the corner of her eye, Casey watched as the blonde moved her tongue to her cheek as she pursed her lips slightly.

"I saw her for the first time at my father's annual Christmas party. I caught a glance of her in passing, but she was putting her coat on when I arrived. She wasn't beautiful but…" Casey thought she could almost hear whimsy in Liz's voice, but it was quickly replaced when Liz continued, "but she was memorable.

My father introduced us the next summer. He said that we were both better chess players than he, meaning we should get along well. I'm sure he thought that when he left we'd discuss strategy; however, chess was as far from her mind as it was mine. I never knew…

She had me in her bed before I could question it, before I could consider the consequences, the ramifications. Everything was fine that summer. When I went back to school in the fall, it took me a semester to realize that all of my friends had disappeared, that I rarely spoke to either of my parents. My father and I had been close but now I never went home for the weekend, never attended any of his parties. She became my life. Keeping her happy was more important than anything else.

The sex got rougher, harder. She would use a strap-on that was just a little too big and then pretend not to hear me when I cried out. She would tie me down until my limbs went numb and yell at me for not being able to stand. She would tell all of her friends what a wonderful lover I was and she would take me home and punish me for making her lie to them. She gave me a safe word, but she knew I'd never use it. I was so afraid that I would disappoint her. She would whip me, and I would bleed…but I loved her."

Tears had already started to roll down Casey's cheeks as Liz was speaking, but upon hearing this she could not hold in a sob. She tried to catch her breath…tried to calm herself. She knew that she was not the one who was supposed be breaking down, but her heart was pounding with anger and pain and the desire to run to Liz, to take her in her arms. But she stayed still, knowing that if she looked up, if she moved, Liz might not finish.

"Law school was half her idea. She said I needed to be appropriately successful if I wanted our relationship to continue. Fucking a college student was exciting and risqué, but an entry level office worker was just pathetic. She didn't care what I did so long as it looked impressive. So, I started law school and started spending more time away from her. She didn't appreciate the hours I'd have to spend in the library. She compensated by tying me up naked in her apartment and then leaving me there alone. When she came home she was never alone, and she never left me alone. She'd taunt me while she fucked them. The more I cried the more she'd let them do…I never figured out how to stop crying.

The irony is that law school is the reason that I left her. I met Therese a couple of months later and she…helped. She and Jonas are the real owners of this place. They gifted me with a small percentage of ownership when I went into sex crimes. Therese knew that I needed the sense of control that it would bring me."

Casey found herself grasping the mantel as she sobbed. She wrapped her other arm around her middle tightly as she gasped between her sobs. She did not hear Liz's footsteps, but she felt her embrace and turned into it. Liz kissed her hair and murmured something softly; Casey could not hear it though, because her sobs had become audible again.

"I never meant to bring you here. You were never supposed to see this."

Casey's sobbing calmed but her tears continued to fall. "Who is she?" Her whole body shook as she inhaled. "Just tell me her name. I will find a way to prosecute this."

"You can't. Casey, you have to let this go. Even if you could prosecute, I wouldn't let you."

"How…how can you just…"

"This isn't something that I can revisit on a whim. Putting her in jail, which is impossible at best, won't accomplish anything. You have to trust me Casey. Let it go."

Until then, Casey had kept her arms tightly wrapped around herself, even as Liz embraced her. Now she unfolded them, pulling Liz closer.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, pulling away to look Liz in the eye. The sadness, the regret she found there was so strong that it choked her with another sob. Even through Liz's own pain, she felt the other woman's protective instinct for her.

Casey ran her hands along Liz's back; through her blouse she instinctively felt the scars without really being able to feel them at all. She wondered why she had never asked about them…never seen them as something of a connection to Liz's past.

"I'm so sorry," she repeated.

"Shhhh. Just let it go." Liz pulled her close. "Let's go home."


End file.
